Portrait of a Freshman
I'm so excited for the TQ party tonight at Mudd! I've picked out my sluttiest red strapless tanktop, the one that squeezes the area between my boobs and my freshman 15 so tight that I look like a loaf of bread somebody punched in the middle. I prepartied with my suitemates before going, and we all decided to take a shot for every guy we've ever kissed (I said 12, but shhhh... actually it's only two: my first boyfriend from senior year of highschool that I broke up with a week after we got to college because he lost his virginity to some slut, and the guy I made out with at the foam party whose name or face I can't remember but was SOOOO CUTE!)
I wasn't feeling the alcohol yet when we got to the party so I got a marguerita, half of which I spilled on myself trying to get out of the line and the other half as I was dancing like an epileptic stripper in the middle of 500 people in a 15 foot square space. I got it all over this one guy who looked pissed off for a second but as he was wiping himself off I think he winked at me! I'm going to look him up on facebook tonight and maybe poke him and see if he remembers who I am!
After that the 12 shots really started to kick in and I got on stage and really went wild. I felt like I was a STAR and everyone was watching me dance! I was so popular, every time I turned around a different guy was rubbing his crotch on my ass! This really made me happy because it means a lot of people probably got to see my tramp stamp close up that I got the second month of college as a symbol of how I'm now an independent woman.
Before I knew it, the party was over and everyone started to leave. I couldn't find my friends ANYWHERE! It's like they didn't even care about looking for me before they left. I tried to give them a call to see where they went, but I had lost my cell phone! I seriously freaked out for like 10 minutes looking for it. Then I decided I would get a grip and walk back to my dorm and call my phone with my roommate's phone to see if someone had picked it up.
(Back at the dorm.) Thank God! Someone answered and said that they found it and they're waiting on the street between HMC and Scripps outside of where the party was. I just had to go back there and pick it up! But I was starting to feel a little dizzy, so I couldn't really tell where I was going. I think I might have passed out at one point, because I woke up when my roommate's phone that I borrowed rang. It was the nice people who found my phone! They wanted to know where in the name of Zeus's butthole I was. I told them somewhere between Pitzer and HMC and I asked them where they were so I could come pick up my phone. Then I heard someone say "You talk to her, I don't speak RETARDED" and I heard a lot of laughing in the background, but then someone told me that they were between HMC and Scripps outside of where the party was. Well, that's easy! I was just at the party! They also said it was a group of 8 people, so it would be pretty hard to miss.
But for some reason I still couldn't find my way there very easily. The nice people called me back and gave me specific, real-time directions based on where I was at every moment, and I still ended up about 300 yards past where the party was. How weird! Then I saw this big group of people waving their hands in the air in my direction... I wonder who they are? I kept looking around to see what they were waving at, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The guy on the phone with me said "Are you wearing a red tanktop right now?" and I said "Wow yeah, how did you know that?" and he said "Because I'm looking at you right now, don't you see the fucking people waving at you, you drunken waste of human life?" So it turned out they were waving at ME the whole time! Haha I can be so slow sometimes!
I thanked all of them sooo much for finding my phone and asked them what they were doing now. They said they were going to go to Denny's. "That's great!" I said, "I'm starving! Let's go!" Everyone seemed to be okay with it except for this one Asian guy who started ramming his head against a telephone pole over and over again. Asians are so weird, I never understand them. But then we all drove to Denny's and I met all these cool people! Some of them were juniors and seniors but a lot of them were from LA and were like 28 years old. I really wanted to impress them so I kept telling them how I get drunk like this ALL the time. I also decided to tell them that the phone they found wasn't really mine, it was my roommate's and she dropped it because she never drinks except tonight she did and was just so out of control, UGH. I just came to pick it up for her because she was soooo sick, and I'm totally going to make fun of her about how I drink all the time and am in total control and the first time she drinks she drops her cellphone! How do you like that, bitch! God, I am such a cool freshman compared to her.
The food took forever to arrive, and so I started to get REALLY tired. The other people kept asking me if I was okay, but I couldn't really respond because I was SO tired. But then I heard them talking about the Karate Kid and I got so excited about something I knew about Mr. Miyagi that I jumped up and knocked over somebody's glass of water with my arm! I was so embarrassed that I just sat back down without saying anything and let everyone else clean it up. I felt so stupid, but then forgot about it 15 seconds later.
When the food finally came, I was so hungry that I finished my whole meal before anyone was even HALF done! One guy asked me if I had ordered any food, because he never saw a plate in front of me I was done so fast. I ate so fast that I spilled the little cup of maple syrup all over my white pants; seriously, all over one thigh and down one pant leg. It looked like I had wiped my ass all the way down half my pants. I also had this HUGE vanilla milkshake... man it was so good. And then I decided to order "a side of toast" for like $4 for two pieces of toast! What a deal!
And luckily for me, I got to taste all of my food again in the Denny's bathroom! That's like two meals for the price of one! When I got back to my seat, everyone looked very concerned, except for the Asian guy who had stuck a fork into his eyeball. I sat there for a little while while everyone finished their food, but then I started to get really tired. I really wanted to go home, so I asked everyone if they were going to be done soon. I also suggested that maybe one car could go back first if the driver was finished because I was soooooo tired and really wanted to go to bed.
We finally managed to pay the bill and get back to the cars. We drove back and got dropped off in front of Scripps. As soon as the car stopped I got out of it and started walking home! I was so angry that everyone took so long to finish eating that I didn't even bother saying goodbye to them. I don't even remember their names anymore, but they were so inconsiderate about my feelings that I don't care. That's the last time I decide to go out with random people I've never met. You just never know when people are gonna turn out to be assholes.
My name is Morena, and I am a Freshman.
***************************
Yeah, Jon here again. You know what the worst part about this story is? A lot of it is true.
I wasn't feeling the alcohol yet when we got to the party so I got a marguerita, half of which I spilled on myself trying to get out of the line and the other half as I was dancing like an epileptic stripper in the middle of 500 people in a 15 foot square space. I got it all over this one guy who looked pissed off for a second but as he was wiping himself off I think he winked at me! I'm going to look him up on facebook tonight and maybe poke him and see if he remembers who I am!
After that the 12 shots really started to kick in and I got on stage and really went wild. I felt like I was a STAR and everyone was watching me dance! I was so popular, every time I turned around a different guy was rubbing his crotch on my ass! This really made me happy because it means a lot of people probably got to see my tramp stamp close up that I got the second month of college as a symbol of how I'm now an independent woman.
Before I knew it, the party was over and everyone started to leave. I couldn't find my friends ANYWHERE! It's like they didn't even care about looking for me before they left. I tried to give them a call to see where they went, but I had lost my cell phone! I seriously freaked out for like 10 minutes looking for it. Then I decided I would get a grip and walk back to my dorm and call my phone with my roommate's phone to see if someone had picked it up.
(Back at the dorm.) Thank God! Someone answered and said that they found it and they're waiting on the street between HMC and Scripps outside of where the party was. I just had to go back there and pick it up! But I was starting to feel a little dizzy, so I couldn't really tell where I was going. I think I might have passed out at one point, because I woke up when my roommate's phone that I borrowed rang. It was the nice people who found my phone! They wanted to know where in the name of Zeus's butthole I was. I told them somewhere between Pitzer and HMC and I asked them where they were so I could come pick up my phone. Then I heard someone say "You talk to her, I don't speak RETARDED" and I heard a lot of laughing in the background, but then someone told me that they were between HMC and Scripps outside of where the party was. Well, that's easy! I was just at the party! They also said it was a group of 8 people, so it would be pretty hard to miss.
But for some reason I still couldn't find my way there very easily. The nice people called me back and gave me specific, real-time directions based on where I was at every moment, and I still ended up about 300 yards past where the party was. How weird! Then I saw this big group of people waving their hands in the air in my direction... I wonder who they are? I kept looking around to see what they were waving at, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The guy on the phone with me said "Are you wearing a red tanktop right now?" and I said "Wow yeah, how did you know that?" and he said "Because I'm looking at you right now, don't you see the fucking people waving at you, you drunken waste of human life?" So it turned out they were waving at ME the whole time! Haha I can be so slow sometimes!
I thanked all of them sooo much for finding my phone and asked them what they were doing now. They said they were going to go to Denny's. "That's great!" I said, "I'm starving! Let's go!" Everyone seemed to be okay with it except for this one Asian guy who started ramming his head against a telephone pole over and over again. Asians are so weird, I never understand them. But then we all drove to Denny's and I met all these cool people! Some of them were juniors and seniors but a lot of them were from LA and were like 28 years old. I really wanted to impress them so I kept telling them how I get drunk like this ALL the time. I also decided to tell them that the phone they found wasn't really mine, it was my roommate's and she dropped it because she never drinks except tonight she did and was just so out of control, UGH. I just came to pick it up for her because she was soooo sick, and I'm totally going to make fun of her about how I drink all the time and am in total control and the first time she drinks she drops her cellphone! How do you like that, bitch! God, I am such a cool freshman compared to her.
The food took forever to arrive, and so I started to get REALLY tired. The other people kept asking me if I was okay, but I couldn't really respond because I was SO tired. But then I heard them talking about the Karate Kid and I got so excited about something I knew about Mr. Miyagi that I jumped up and knocked over somebody's glass of water with my arm! I was so embarrassed that I just sat back down without saying anything and let everyone else clean it up. I felt so stupid, but then forgot about it 15 seconds later.
When the food finally came, I was so hungry that I finished my whole meal before anyone was even HALF done! One guy asked me if I had ordered any food, because he never saw a plate in front of me I was done so fast. I ate so fast that I spilled the little cup of maple syrup all over my white pants; seriously, all over one thigh and down one pant leg. It looked like I had wiped my ass all the way down half my pants. I also had this HUGE vanilla milkshake... man it was so good. And then I decided to order "a side of toast" for like $4 for two pieces of toast! What a deal!
And luckily for me, I got to taste all of my food again in the Denny's bathroom! That's like two meals for the price of one! When I got back to my seat, everyone looked very concerned, except for the Asian guy who had stuck a fork into his eyeball. I sat there for a little while while everyone finished their food, but then I started to get really tired. I really wanted to go home, so I asked everyone if they were going to be done soon. I also suggested that maybe one car could go back first if the driver was finished because I was soooooo tired and really wanted to go to bed.
We finally managed to pay the bill and get back to the cars. We drove back and got dropped off in front of Scripps. As soon as the car stopped I got out of it and started walking home! I was so angry that everyone took so long to finish eating that I didn't even bother saying goodbye to them. I don't even remember their names anymore, but they were so inconsiderate about my feelings that I don't care. That's the last time I decide to go out with random people I've never met. You just never know when people are gonna turn out to be assholes.
My name is Morena, and I am a Freshman.
***************************
Yeah, Jon here again. You know what the worst part about this story is? A lot of it is true.
posted by Uzura at 6:51 AM
2 Comments:
About Me:
I'm really conceited and vain. When i speak spanish i use the zeta, I'm just a TAD too conservative for pitzer. I love movies, romance languages, b&w postcards, Chris Consani paintings, and estee lauder makeup. If there's a mirror in view i can't keep conversation, when i DO, the word fuck appears way too much.
That's right folks... our heroine is a real person with real interests. Thanks, Nick.
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