Therapy.
I'm going to try something new here.
I am fucking miserable. I'm depressed. I'm sick. I feel like I have no direction in my life anymore. My job is boring and uninspiring. I don't feel like I'm making a damn bit of difference in my kids' lives. I don't feel like I'm doing anything productive with my days. My Korean is terrible and not getting any better. Social life is at a standstill. The plans I'm trying to make for this year like trips and winter break are all up in the air. I just hurt someone I care deeply about and I can't help thinking if I shot myself in the foot. I'm so god damned tired of acting happy all the time around my host family, co-teachers, everyone. I just want to rest. I want to hide and be truly alone until my mind isn't so exhausted that I can barely crawl through the day doing the bare minimum. I want to be inspired and motivated.
I'm depressed because I feel empty. Because I'm an outsider in this oppressively foreign place trying in vain to carve out a little space that is truly mine, where I can feel like I belong. And then I realize how hard I'm fighting and how frustrating it is and all for such a small return and I wonder how it could possibly be worth it.
Is this life everywhere after college? Did I delay this reaction by traveling to another country and distracting myself with brand new friends and customs and a facade of cultural sensitivity? Or is this just the first nadir of cultural adjustment, a slow and creeping descent four months in the making, imperceptible until it becomes unbearable. I once scoffed but now envy those who faced their demons early and often, building strength and confidence with each victory, instead of this sorry state of self-pity where everything has conspired against me all at once.
I don't even know if I've reached the lowest point yet. I need a break. I need a change. And I know it will all come eventually but the question is how long I will have to stay in this wretched state of mind. It's not a proper way to live.
I am fucking miserable. I'm depressed. I'm sick. I feel like I have no direction in my life anymore. My job is boring and uninspiring. I don't feel like I'm making a damn bit of difference in my kids' lives. I don't feel like I'm doing anything productive with my days. My Korean is terrible and not getting any better. Social life is at a standstill. The plans I'm trying to make for this year like trips and winter break are all up in the air. I just hurt someone I care deeply about and I can't help thinking if I shot myself in the foot. I'm so god damned tired of acting happy all the time around my host family, co-teachers, everyone. I just want to rest. I want to hide and be truly alone until my mind isn't so exhausted that I can barely crawl through the day doing the bare minimum. I want to be inspired and motivated.
I'm depressed because I feel empty. Because I'm an outsider in this oppressively foreign place trying in vain to carve out a little space that is truly mine, where I can feel like I belong. And then I realize how hard I'm fighting and how frustrating it is and all for such a small return and I wonder how it could possibly be worth it.
Is this life everywhere after college? Did I delay this reaction by traveling to another country and distracting myself with brand new friends and customs and a facade of cultural sensitivity? Or is this just the first nadir of cultural adjustment, a slow and creeping descent four months in the making, imperceptible until it becomes unbearable. I once scoffed but now envy those who faced their demons early and often, building strength and confidence with each victory, instead of this sorry state of self-pity where everything has conspired against me all at once.
I don't even know if I've reached the lowest point yet. I need a break. I need a change. And I know it will all come eventually but the question is how long I will have to stay in this wretched state of mind. It's not a proper way to live.
posted by Uzura at 9:58 PM
1 Comments:
We should catch up.
As for feeling like you're facing delayed demons... I don't really know what to say other than transitions are rough even when we try to anticipate them. However, I hope you can rejoice (somewhat) in knowing that though this is a major point of lowness for you, that there are a number of people who do hope for your happiness and success. You're learning so much about yourself, what you need to succeed and find happiness, as well as how you react in situations of stress.
You're teaching in South Korea! You have a Fulbright! I mean, for heavens sake, at least you're not in Indiana! (I'm not trying to compare, I'm just trying to cheer you up.)
Anyway, yes, we should chat, because if there's one thing I'm learning from this stupid degree program is about transitional issues and that support and a friendly ear can go a long way...
Miss you.
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