I've Got Seoul.

Going to Seoul again, third time in three weeks. That's going to tally up to over 30 hours of time spent on a bus just to get back and forth. Add in the amount of time we actually spend in transit (walking, subways, waiting for subways) and I think the ratio of time getting to places to time actually spent there would be pretty depressing.

But at least I'm making these trips for good causes. First was Ambassador Biggity Bow-wow Vershbow's Thanksgiving dinner at his sick crib, last week I had to get to the airport to go to Taiwan, and this weekend Ryan convinced me to make the trip to celebrate his admission into Harvard Law School (the smart little bastard!) This weekend is going to be a bit of a boys' night(s) out, which, you have to understand, is pretty freaking rare when the ratio of women to men on your program is 3:1. That's 48 girls to 16 guys. I think I'm growing manboobs just from being exposed to that amount of extrogen.

Oh No You DINNUNT!

Wading through a shallow sea of drafted posts, a quick text-bite too current and exciting to delay!

Girl was rocking her phone in class today, so I jacked it from her for the second time. Last time she rolled up to my desk all teary-eyed and begged for it back, made her write an apology letter in English and gave it back the next day.

Slipped it into my desk and thought about holding onto it for a week this time. But while I was busy giving out candy to my fanclub, the little runt STOLE IT BACK. I am shitting giddy bricks about how long I'm going to keep that thing once I get it back. This little girl is going to be socially disconnected for a long ass time.

The Big Day: A Preview.

Here are a few pictures of my cousin and company from her wedding to tide you over until I get back to having real internet access. Sigh... Taiwan, our time together was much too short. Who wants to come back for a visit with me next semester?





Isn't she lovely? I'm smitten! Gross!

Is It Bad To Fall In Love With Your Cousin On Her Wedding Day?

Ha! I bet that got your attention! Alas, it is only a half-joke. I'm sitting here 7 hours after arriving in Taiwan more or less convinced that my cousin is the coolest person ever. And this comes as quite a shock to someone who was, in retrospect, severely pessimistic about this trip. The language barrier, the awkwardness, the frantic preparation and perfectionism that complement the waning hours before matrimony, it all sounded like another layer of stress (albeit a welcome change of stress) to deal with.

But I basically spent the whole day eating and shopping with two of my Aunts and the cousin herself that's getting married. First off, you'd think that she'd have something better to do two nights before her wedding than to take her baby cousin who she hasn't seen in 13 years on a ridiculous shopping spree. And yes, it was a spree because she decided to drop hundreds of dollars on me in the course of a few hours. Today's haul: fancy new designer bag, two-piece suit, two pairs of jeans. My guilt and my glee are Greco-Roman wrestling as we speak.

My cousin is vibrant and talkative, the farthest thing from shy that you could imagine. She is also beautiful and very touchy-feely, which results in a warm and casual feeling to be around her and also the awkwardness of being dragged around by a very cute girl store to store where she will remain hugging you while translating to the clerk what you're looking for. Inevitably a question will come up such as "Does your boyfriend need a different size?" to which a twitter before "He's actually my younger cousin," will be the response.

She's 28 years old, but if you saw her you might not guess more than 22, and has been dating her boyfriend for 14 years; since Junior High. I'm writing this from the computer in her room, the same room I was in 13 years ago jumping on the bed, doing jigsaw puzzles. I still remember the Garfield figurines on her shelf and I still don't know why each of them is meticulously wrapped in a small ziploc bag. What must it be like to have that kind of constancy? To have lived in the same city, to have had your extended family by your side at every milestone, to have met the love of your life at 14?

I tended to think of myself as the one that got away from this place. My mother beat the next member of her family to emigrate from Taiwan by a solid 20 years. I went to my prestigious New England boarding school and my selective liberal arts college and became an emotionally independent person, presumably on my way to financial independence as well. But I find myself envying her life and the ease with which these transitions that we of the individualistic mindset would find so drastic are made. I asked her if she felt nervous or excited about the wedding, and she laughed as she replied in English, "No feeling. I don't know why. Everything is okay!"

On November 25th, she will both get married and move out of the house she has lived in for her entire life. She will move down the street from the rest of our relatives and her husband's relatives and her life will continue in much the same way that it has up until now. In a way, it sounds a little sad. But in another sense, it is symbolic of her identity as part of something much larger than the decisions she makes at a given time. It surprised me to realize that change isn't frightening when your entire life has been constant. The consistency gives you the strength and confidence to forge ahead. The foundation is ironclad, and this weekend will be the celebration, not of a departure, but of a journey to make that foundation even stronger for herself and for everyone in her family, old and new, present and future.

Leaving On a Jet Plane.

Emotional rollercoaster continues, and today is quite the low day. It's so strange because things are going more or less swimmingly. Especially after last weekend, I really don't have that much to complain about... or at least anything NEW to complain about. Maybe going to Taiwan this weekend and seeing my family will snap me out of this unpleasant cycle.

Ah, right... I'm going to Taiwan for four days this week. My cousin "Terry" is getting married. I put her name in quotes because I'm not entirely sure it's her actual name, nor am I sure about the names of any of my relatives. Actually, that's not quite true: I know all the names, I just can't match them to any faces. See, I haven't been to Taiwan since I was 10, so even if I did remember faces, they would be 13 years out of date. That's over half the lifetime of most of my cousins. The image they have of ME is probably something like a morbidly obese 10 year-old with a ricebowl haircut wearing plaid boxers over my tighty whities thinking they're normal shorts. Here's some context that should fully explain that last part:

"Mommy, these shorts are weird. There's no zipper!"
"That's just the fashion these days. Let's go."

Thanks, Mom. Add in the fact that my Chinese was stuttered and barely comprehensible and the image of a mentally handicapped "cousin-we-don't-talk-about" is complete. If my relatives have changed half as much as I [hope I] have then it's going to be one tough match-'em-up game this weekend.

Deep Thoughts By Jon Hungy.

Thoughts for the day, to be expounded upon at a later date, or possibly never:

- I am extremely moody lately, which is annoying because I think it's a waste of time if I can ruin an entire day just because I happen to feel depressed when I'm supposed to be having fun. It's partially because of the onslaught of bullshit that has been happening to me, but also just because my normal living arrangements give me no privacy to sort myself out, so I inevitably end up being over-emotional around my friends.

- There are amazing people out there that you will never, ever realize are amazing unless the right situation presents itself. Friends are often bound by commitments stronger and deeper than personality traits, similar interests, or common goals. Sometimes all it takes to have a lifelong bond is knowing that someone was there for you at the right time and place, that you can always rely on them to be there again, and that they know that you would do the same. So don't take people for granted; give everyone the opportunity to be a part of your life and change who you are.

- I may not be as responsible with money as I thought.

- This past weekend was the first time in my life that I have felt like I am physically aging.

- I am a bit egotistical and being worshipped at school by students does not help.

- I fucking dropped my alotted one pear slice at lunch into my gross ddakbogi. Wonderful, succulent Korean pear covered in OCTOPUS CHILI SAUCE FROM HELL. Why, God, why?

Soon to come on ye olde blogge:

- Weekend in Seoul for the Ambassador's dinner.
- Synopsis of future travel plans (I'm literally gone every weekend until Christmas, at which point I'm back in the STATES OMG FREAK OUT!)
- Realizing that item two will obviously lead to prolonged absences from posting.
- Inevitable apology for not writing about the things I'm listing here.
- Wow, I'm a failure.

Merry Turkey Day

Going to Seoul for the weekend to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the Ambassador's house at the U.S. Embassy. Do I feel like a bigwig or what?

That's for Saturday night. Tonight is for dancing and general merrymaking. Why? Because Jonah Popp turns twenty-something today... and that's an important age to be; young, impressionable, virile.

See you all on Sunday.

Cheating.

If any of you out there are as tired of my negativity as I am, then, well... you've probably stopped reading my blog, so it doesn't really matter what I say to you. Nevertheless, in an effort to turn over a new leaf and ressurect the glorious font of humor and high spirits that is my intarw3b log, I'll leave you with an email I wrote organizing our very first ETA get-together in my city.

Disclaimer: Work gets unbelievably boring and any means of entertainment, no matter how dorky, become shameless self-indulgence. I apologize in advance.

Sept. 9th 2006 8:36 PM
Subject: I don't want to say "I foretold you so"...

"Hello little ones, gather around and hear my ominous portent of your intertwining fates. The stars have conspired to bring us together in the near future. However, in these dark times of metal gods and paper idols, humanity's connection to its mystical origins has been cast away, and with it the influence of the stars has dwindled. Even so diminished, it is still more than enough to sway our malleable strands of life toward their whims.

Will they succeed? No one can be certain. All this humble soothsayer can do is perhaps show you a glimpse of their schemes, such that what illusion of control you possess over your destinies will comfort you once your path is truly ordained.

-The maiden Persephone has conjured forth a night club, "Arabian Night", to which no man or woman born under the star-spangled banner has dared venture in this generation. The irresistable enticement of our curiosity betrays her intimate understanding of human nature.

-Persei has meticulously orchestrated a soccer game between the Pohang Steelers and the Seongnam Ilhwa to take place precisely during the time of our meeting. It will come to pass at 7pm on the eve of Saturn's day. The cost will be $10.

-Only a fool could think the fearsome power of a great typhoon a meaningless confluence of chaotic forces. Sansan was summoned to disperse the clouds that have been tormenting this mystical site with sunless days and frigid nights. The majestic forests and rolling hills are once again acessible for those seeking to make the spiritual pilgrimage. Weather.com corroborates this vision.

-The prophetess Alyssa has fled the area upon sensing these supernatural anomalies. As a result of this departure, the mysterious coven of JART has decided that more members are to be initiated, especially those with names that begin with vowels, in order to maintain a viable acronym.

Do not shy away from your destinies, we are all bound together in the great cosmic cycle. Indeed, even now I am overwhelmed by premonitions that our meeting is imminent regardless of the constellations' meddling. But for all those that embrace whatever nefarious plan they have in store for us, speak with haste so that we may take steps to facilitate the gathering.

~J~"

Anger Is More Productive Than Depression.

Eschewing detail for brevity feels unnatural.

I humbly present the court with the following pieces of evidence indicating that none of my superiors at school have bothered reading my contract:

1) When I arrived at my homestay, my host family had no idea whatsoever what was required by Fulbright to be provided for the ETA nor what was prohibited. I shared a room with my host brother and was asked to tutor their children.

2) When I arrived at my school, I was told that I would be teaching two days a week at a boys' high school across the street. When I informed them that this was a violation of my contract, they told me, "The previous ETA also did this. We have an arrangement with Fulbright." This arrangement did not exist. Fulbright had no knowledge that my school had violated their contract in the past and sent them a harsh reprisal and a threat to reassign me to a different school via email.

3) Two days ago my co-teacher asked me to work in a hagweon (private English school) two nights a week after classes. This means that two days a week my work day would begin at 9am and end at 8:30pm. When I declined, he brought me to the principal's office where the owner of the hagweon was sitting, and had me tell her myself that I couldn't teach at her school.

4) Today, I had a meeting with my co-teacher and principal for the first time to discuss my two week winter session class in January. Some context is required here. Fulbright gives all ETAs a winter vacation lasting from December 22nd to February 28th. We are not allowed to teach during this period, with the exception of a two week maximum winter session in January to be scheduled by the school.

My school's schedule for me is as follows:
- I am expected to teach until December 30th at the earliest.
- 10 days will be alotted for me to travel home. I must return by January 10th to teach my winter session.
- My winter session will be 3 weeks long, from January 10th to January 30th.
- I must return in mid-February to teach for a week.

Classic lines from this conversation:
"What about Christmas?"
"Oh... is that important?"

"I'm planning on going home for 14 days."
"That is too long to travel. You should come back and teach."

"But look how many days you get! 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. 7.. 8.. 9.. 10! Wow! That is a really long holiday!"

"I need to look at my contract and think about this."
"I order you to teach these days."

So, there's that. I become more jaded with the Korean school system, bureaucracy, and culture every day. Office relations are all facades. The "scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" mentality does not work when you have a culture based on the juxtaposition of bullying and abuse of authority with persistently trying to save face. What you get out of that is minimal favors done in exchange for unreasonable demands. Welcome to my life.

Therapy.

I'm going to try something new here.

I am fucking miserable. I'm depressed. I'm sick. I feel like I have no direction in my life anymore. My job is boring and uninspiring. I don't feel like I'm making a damn bit of difference in my kids' lives. I don't feel like I'm doing anything productive with my days. My Korean is terrible and not getting any better. Social life is at a standstill. The plans I'm trying to make for this year like trips and winter break are all up in the air. I just hurt someone I care deeply about and I can't help thinking if I shot myself in the foot. I'm so god damned tired of acting happy all the time around my host family, co-teachers, everyone. I just want to rest. I want to hide and be truly alone until my mind isn't so exhausted that I can barely crawl through the day doing the bare minimum. I want to be inspired and motivated.

I'm depressed because I feel empty. Because I'm an outsider in this oppressively foreign place trying in vain to carve out a little space that is truly mine, where I can feel like I belong. And then I realize how hard I'm fighting and how frustrating it is and all for such a small return and I wonder how it could possibly be worth it.

Is this life everywhere after college? Did I delay this reaction by traveling to another country and distracting myself with brand new friends and customs and a facade of cultural sensitivity? Or is this just the first nadir of cultural adjustment, a slow and creeping descent four months in the making, imperceptible until it becomes unbearable. I once scoffed but now envy those who faced their demons early and often, building strength and confidence with each victory, instead of this sorry state of self-pity where everything has conspired against me all at once.

I don't even know if I've reached the lowest point yet. I need a break. I need a change. And I know it will all come eventually but the question is how long I will have to stay in this wretched state of mind. It's not a proper way to live.

Haiku? Don't Mind If I Do!

A truly valiant attempt at a proper haiku by a student today. The improper format can be forgiven due to creative value!

I have ballpoint pen.
His name is Monami.
He is writing this now.

It made me lol. I'm proud of her.